When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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