mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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