So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
