Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I intend to get homeless drunk
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
