life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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