It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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