I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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