When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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