Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
