My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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