I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
