So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
