Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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