Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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