Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
