i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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