I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
