omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize