I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
