the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
