Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
