i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize