Swine flu. Run for my life!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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