he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
