WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
