Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i will never coherently bang her
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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