wanna go halves on a baby?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
