Cold hands, warm shart.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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