were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
