The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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