After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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