I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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