Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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