I puked a lego.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
