I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I need to stop coming to work sober
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
