I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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