Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
