she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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