my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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