It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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