i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
