Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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