I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
