the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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