Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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