She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
