Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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