I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
