the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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