I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
