she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
