I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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