Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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