I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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