is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
