the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
