Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
