i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
