So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
